i fucking hate this

i fucking hate how you wont give me a chance
how you take back your words
ALL OF YOUR FUCKING WORDS.
how you wont even change for me
how you hurt me so much
youre AWARE OF HOW MUCH YOU FUCKING HURT ME
AND YOU DONT EVEN CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.
why do you make me suffer so much..
YOURE THE ONLY ONE THATS CAPABLE OF MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY
WHY ARE YOU TAKING IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE
saying such stupid things..
those hurtful words..
youre the only one that does this to me..
why.. do you chose to..
yeah im fucking stupid for posting these things online
BUT ITS THE ONLY WAY THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER
im trying to change for you
im doing the best that i can
at least be more sensitive around me..
at least show me that you..

i cant even type anything out..

still..

It keeps bothering me. How he completely dropped me as a friend. He's helped me through so much.. And now I cant even turn to him anymore. I've realized what I've done. I've said sorry.. but not in person. I was too afraid to talk to him.. Too afraid to face him. Too afraid to hear what he had to say.. Too afraid to be shamed in public. My foolishness lead to a loss of a good friend. I wasn't even aware of what I said.. did.. Shit. How can I be so fucking stupid. I can't get through a single day where this doesn't bother me.. I can't get through a single night without this situation keeping me up. My conscience is not clear and will not be clear.. I don't even feel like trying anymore.. But perhaps.. I'll give it a shot. Maybe.. If I can grow these fucking balls in time. But the thing is.. I'm afraid that it's just..
Too Late.

restraint,

it hurts. :|
purposely hurting myself so i wouldn't say anything stupid.
i have a semi lip piercing that's like two centimeters long and like a millimeter deep.
this shit hurts like a bitch. but i guess i'm improving. i learned how to stop myself. wooo. next goal: do it without inflicting physical pain to oneself. gosh this is really hard D: but i'm glad i actually did something. gg linnie gg. ):<
canker sores will be coming in a few days. i'm totally looking forward to those bitches D; damn.. first time i actually held it in. i feel good, but i feel like total bullshit at the same time. i guess this blog helps me get it out a bit, but yeah. its getting late, i gotta go study again. byebye.

pooey.

if speaking up for myself causes problems, then ill just stop and suffer on my own accord, without telling you a single thing. you would know that there is something wrong with me. but will i tell you? no. try to pry it out of my and im 100% sure that you will not succeed. every single time that i've tried to speak up, you just drag me down. you yell at me you get mad at me. shit. im just trying to get a point across here. but you know what, i've come to the conclusion that you will NEVER understand me. so why would i even TRY to have you understand. i want you to understand me so badly. but let's face the facts. YOU DO NOT LEARN. YOU WILL NOT LEARN. look at my daily life, look at how much i have changed. look in my eyes and TELL ME THAT YOU DO NOT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME. ill fucking slap you. i dare you. look into my eyes and tell me that you do not see the pain.. dont see it? *slap. dumbass. see it now? do you know the reason? i bet you dont. take a wild guess but i wont tell you anymore.
im done im done im done im fuuucking done.

I'm done.

I'm done playing by my own rules.
Now I will play by yours.
We will see if all goes well,
but most likely it will not.
Well.. I don't know.
Am I ready for this pain?
Am I ready to keep my mouth shut?
Am I ready to not speak up for myself?
Am I ready to give up everything that I stand for?
Am I ready to face this pain alone?
Am I ready.. to do this all..
for y o u?

your call

waiting for your call
I'm sick,
call I'm angry,
call I'm desperate for your voice,
listening, to the songs we used to sing..
yadayadayadayada....

i was born to tell you i love you.
and i am torn to do what i have to,
to make you mine, so stay with me tonight.

god this song reminds me of so much..
now i cant even sing it without crying.
how gay is that ):
learned it on the guitar though !
easiest tabs ever. ahha.

HUUUY. bad day bad day. ):
I'm struggling.
not just in school, but in life as well.
i have to face my fears.. well, not really.
i have to face my pain. there we go.
:/ challenge it head on and hopefully I'll win.